|
|
Letter to John Ashcroft
John Ashcroft
Office of the Attorney General
Washingtonland
U.S.S.A
Dear Mr. Ashcroft:
I hope my previous two brief essays on the topic of Homeland Security have
been enlightening and useful. I hope that you are, as I write this,
putting some of my suggestions to good use. There ought to be, at this
point, a veritable army of newly-minted BATFE personnel fanning out
throughout that great country of yours making it, and indeed the world
at large, a safer place.
I've been doing more research, Mr. Ashcroft, and I'm just about ready to
throw in the towel on the regulation of "stuff". There's just too many
things out there in the free world that can be easily turned to dark
purposes.
All is not lost, however, Johnny. While diligence around "stuff" is
absolutely essential, and I'm not suggesting diminishing the efforts
your clean-minded, all-american colleagues should put in to control
the "stuff" that I have recently elucidated, there's another avenue
we need to explore. In the spirit of "defense in depth", I might
suggest that we turn our attention to the people themselves, and their
potential for errant, ungodly, behaviour. It is, ultimately, a person
and their motivations that will bring doom to the way of life we've
all come to respect and enjoy.
I would like to suggest that people can be legitimately involved in only
four classes of activities:
o Authorized employment at a trade for cash remuneration
o Eating, sleeping, reading the bible, and producing more
Americans
o Attending regular church services
I would suggest, then, that we recognize this, and outlaw any other
types of activities, without suitable government-granted permission.
If a person isn't engaged in either the first or last of those activities
during regular daylight hours, then they should either report to
a government-authorized "supervision and activities center", or return
to their home where they can "strap in". I envision a new technology that
I call "The Freedom Chair" built-in to peoples homes, that allows them to
be in a government-authorized state. The chair would restrain the person,
comfortably, and allow them to be entertained with government-produced
television/infomercials, or to enter a government-controlled/induced
sleep state until their ready to report for work. The "Freedom Chair"
could also be used to provide intravenous nutrients, thus allowing
the person to be in an authorized state, even while eating.
Homes could be monitored, and anyone found wandering around their home
for more than a few minutes without "strapping in" could be lawfully
removed to a supervision center. Production of such "Freedom chairs" could
constitute a significant fraction of the government-authorized employment
in your fine country. Full employment for all!
*** It's not clear to me, Mr. Ashcroft, that education of the masses
is a good thing. If the populace is largely uneducated, strapped-in, and
deprived of many of the raw materials of mischief, your fine country
would be a much safer place. It seems to me that the government should
hand-pick a few citizens every year to undergo government-authorized
education in one of a small number of authorized disciplines.
Well, Mr. Ashcroft, that's probably the last you'll hear from me. I'm
heading off to "strap in for America"...
|
